Human Married
by flyingspaghettimonster2134
Summary: "No, she is claiming you as hers it's a human thing," Dave explained casually, "If someone else licks it we think its gross and we don't want it anymore so the licker gets to keep it. You two are now human married." I suppose T just for Karkat's language :P. Karkat/ Terezi. based on a roleplaying conversation. :3


"I swear, if I ever escape from this fucking closet, I am going to murder Strider."

That was the only thought passing through my head.

"KARKLEEES, WHERE ARE YOOOUUU~" Terezi's voice echoed as energetic footsteps came closer and closer. I closed my eyes tightly, praying that she wouldn't think of looking in the closet. I held my breath as her footsteps stopped for a moment and her voice called out for Strider. I swear Strider if you fucking say a word I'm going to beat you to-

"He's in the cupboard by the way TZ," he commented nonchalantly. It took everything in me not to burst out of the cupboard and kill that bastard right there. Instead I ground my teeth and thought of every possible punishment I could give him for revealing my hiding spot. My thoughts were however cut short as the door was flung open and revealed Terezi, her red glasses sitting askew as she grinned from ear-to-ear.

"KARKLES!" she squealed as she spotted me and I looked around quickly for an exit.

"FUCK YOU STRIDER!" I yelled, pushing Terezi roughly out of my way as I bolted. Strider seemed to think it was fucking hilarious and was leaning against the wall, trying to contain his laughter.

"You can't run from me!" Terezi cackled maniacally as she chased me and it wasn't long before she tackled me, our bodies falling to the floor. I flinched and shuddered as a wet tongue moved along my cheek.

"MINE!" she announced cheerily as I groaned in disgust, wiping the spit of my cheek. But before I could do much her tongue was back, all over my cheeks and forehead. I glared at Strider who couldn't do much but offer a "Serves you right Vantas" as I tried to peel Terezi off me.

"I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD STRIDER, IF YOU DON'T HELP ME I WILL TELL JOHN ALL ABOUT YOUR GIRLY CRUSH ON HIM!" I yelled, managing to hold Terezi at arms length. Being the douche he is, Strider merely shrugged.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"GET HER OFF ME!" I screamed as her tongue ran along my neck. Strider stared at us for a moment but finally let out a long sigh.

"TZ, get off your poor future love hearts husband before he explodes from all his flushed feelings."

To my complete and utter dismay, my cheeks turned red at this comment.

"LOVE HEART HUSBAND? FLUSHED FEELINGS?!"

Terezi was now cackling like a madwoman, but at least she'd stopped trying to lick me.

"We all know you're red for the lickitung over there," he responded, smirking.

Okay, now my cheeks were definitely on fire.

"I MOST DEFINITELY AM FUCKING NOT. SHUT YOUR MOUTH STRIDER!"

Dave however, seemed to be enjoying this too much, watching me get embarassed about his dumb comments. Sadistic bastard.

"You want to smooch TZ right on her crazy licky face." Terezi shot Dave a look about this comment, but soon her grin returned. Seriously, what the fuck was with these two?

"GOG SHUT UP I DO NOT!" I retorted. Not my smoothest response but fuck it.

"Oh yeah, you want her bad," he teased, "that's embarrassing dude- try to play it cool for once. You won't get any chicks like that."

The blind girl currently sniffing your hair would beg to differ.

"SHUT UP STRIDER, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" I insisted, "I'M NOT FLUSHED FOR HER. SHE'S PSYCHOTIC AND ANNOYING, THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL."

"Oh yeah, so flushed."

He dodged expertly as I lunged at him, ready to smash his stupid face in for getting me embarrassed over PYROPE of all people.

"SHUT UP YOU HAVE NO PROOF!" I yelled, aware that I was just digging myself into a deeper hole, "AND FUCKING HELL TEREZI WILL YOU STOP LICKING ME?!"

"No, she is claiming you as hers it's a human thing," Dave explained casually, "If someone else licks it we think its gross and we don't want it anymore so the licker gets to keep it. You two are now human married."

I'm about 100% sure that my jaw dropped to the ground at that comment. John had explained 'marriage' to us a while ago after we watched on of his romcoms. There was a whole bunch of legal stuff involved that Terezi would probably be interested in but besides that it was basically an insane version of matespritship.

"WAIT, WHAT?" I yelled, aware of how loud my voice was getting, "THIS BETTER BE A FUCKING JOKE STRIDER!"

"Nope," Terezi insisted, grinning, "You're stuck with me now."

I turned to Dave, hoping that he would laugh, something to tell me that this was all some big joke.

"Yuhp," he said shrugging, "Human married, congrats man, you've got that proverbial chain around your ankle now."

I put my hands in my hair and tugged at the dark strands. It felt so impossibly hot in there, I felt like I was sweating.

"NO THIS IS NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE, TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING."

Dave shrugged again, "I am doing the exact opposite of a baby goat, not baby goating here." HOW COULD HE BE SO FUCKING CASUAL ABOUT THIS?! I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and slammed him hard against the wall. He didn't bat an eyelash- not that I could tell behind those douchey glasses but still.

"Tell me you are fucking joking," I growled, hoping that my aggresion would make him reveal that it was all some big dumb prank.

"Nope," he responded, still grinning. That bastard was ENJOYING this.

"But you might want to let me go or else you are gonna make your wife think that you're a little more interested in Strider junk, which is more than okay with me but she might be upset."

WIFE? OH FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

"Strider, I swear you better be joking." I practically pleaded under my breath, "Anyway, why would she lick me if she knew that?"

Dave frowned at this comment and I swear he was rolling his eyes behind those dumb glasses.

"Because she wants to be matesprits with you, you douche canoe. You are being a canoe of douche."

Now my jaw dropped further and I could hear Terezi let out a hiss of annoyance.

WAIT BACK UP.

TEREZI.

TEREZI PYROPE.

WANTED TO BE MATESPRITS WITH ME?

KARKAT VANTAS.

TEREZI PYROPE, KARKAT VANTAS.

TEREZI, KARKAT.

MATESPRITSHIP.

"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"

I wanted to say something but that was the only thing going through my mind. One hand still on Dave's collar, I turned to face Terezi whose cheeks were currently dark blue.

"You suck at keeping secrets," she told him, pouting like a child.

"He had to know TZ," Dave insisted, "And you're crazy. You would probably torture him by not telling him for oh I don't know-forfuckingever! Dude deserved to know your intentions to steal his virtue."

I wanted to come up with some witty retort to that, but all I could do was stare at Terezi, my mouth hanging open like a fucking moron. I looked between them both quickly and unable to think or speak or breathe I dropped.

"I think you broke him," was the last thing I heard before everything went black.

I fucking hate Dave Strider.

**EDIT: I fixed the colour of Terezi's cheeks thanks to the review from a guest. Thanks for pointing that out :3**


End file.
